Was doing spring cleaning today for Chinese New Year. Packed my study table n "uncovered" lots of "treasure" - cards from my students from 2002-now. Read thru them once again n it is a wonder that they never fail to warm my heart. All the words of encouragement, love and concern gave me the strength to move on.

I believe the things i will miss most when i leave are the words of appreciation from my students. 2 years......365 days x 2, i wonder if i would be able to survive.

Should i volunteer to come back n help out for 2011?

what do u have when someone:

1)tells u he/she would always be by ur side;
2)shares their life stories with u;
3)calls u just to rant;
4)calls u when he/she knows u r upset to find out y n to listen to u rant;
5)likes ur handwriting n tries to imitate (haha!so pri school);
6)gives u a gift which is something he/she likes n possesses;
7)treats u in a gentle manner;
8)tries to comfort u when u r upset/crying (though the method used was real weird)
9)is concerned abt ur moods
10)is always nearby

Ans: A good friend in the making :)

It has been a long time since the last update.

Many things had happened. Too many to be listed

As the year comes to an end,it is always good to conclude on a happy note.

Reviewing 2009, it is really a year full of ups and downs.

1st we had the band concert on 8 mar 2009. Would never forget the late nights the j2s had as they practiced their batch piece with sebastian; how they worked with their juniors to put up this concert. At the same time, they had to balance their studies, though for many their studies were compromised in the end.

Then we moved on to SYF. It was painful to see the students trying to keep awake in class, trying to meet their tutors' expectations yet at the same time working to bring glory to the school. though we were disappointed with the results, but i was proud of their determination and strength. cos this is what SAJC Concert Band is all abt.

I had to admit i was not very focused during the syf preparation period cos something happened which make me break down totally. If not for the support by mrs lee n sebastian,i really dun know how i can pull thru n survive that incident.

then the J2s stepped down and focused on their studies. Many were starting to get on track, while some obtained excellent results for BT2 and Prelims.

then the stupid H1N1 stepped in and our mid-yr n yr-end trip was cancelled. Really disappointed cos i so wanted to go on a trip with my J1s, my last band trip :( GONE! :(

Performances were cancelled due to H1n1 in term 3 n it was so demoralising. But the leaders tried their best to be hopeful n motivate the band :)

THen we had the 5.5days band camp. bonds were strengthened but i did not really spend much time with my dsa students which was quite sad cos i really want to know them better :( slept late every night ard 2-3am cos was up talking with someone. A good thing that came out of it was we got to know each other better cos we shared a lot of stuff with each other. During the camp, there were of course embarrassing moments but thank god e band was not there to witness it :P

then i went overseas for a week to do some reflections along the way n to forget someone. i guess i was not very successful in the forgetting part but at least i tried. it was an enjoyable trip. but i miss the band cos i was so looking forward to seeing them on 19 dec! :)

n on 19Dec, the band so sweetly gave me a bear, with a recording (so touched!). The Mr Benjamin Sim bear (which is now tagged!!!) is my profile pic for facebook. So handsome n cute! Of course, not forgetting the nice batch photo done by Sean and the card by Wansing :) It was a really sweet day :)

I had a nice christmas eve lunch with my dear friend n it was so wonderful to see her again! i so miss her! n she counselled me again wrt relationship issues. haha! so funny n her analysis was so scary! though it seems quite true......

then that dear benny sms me to go for dinner with him n benji. aiyo,so last min! :P in e end,never go cos got appointment already.

the next week or so,got to do springcleaning n lessons preparation. my schedule for jan 2010 is already full.like almost everyday got this meeting, that meeting. just hope that i dun have to go home everyday at 5pm :(

though 2010 will be a hectic yr with the esplanade concert,am still looking forward to it. hope that the 6 months wun pass by so quickly :(

Random

just got the confirmation yesterday. i will be leaving in june next yr. when i looked at the letter, i thought i should be feeling happy. Yet, i was lost. i blanked out totally. then,i was overwhelmed by sadness. memories flooded me. yes, 7 yrs of emotional attachment is not something that can be let go overnight.

I felt like crying, though i dun know y. I even started to question myself, did i make the right choice from the start when i submit my application. But even it is the wrong choice, there is no turning back. Starting from yesterday, everything i do, it is for the last time--my last open house, last band trip, last tune-in, last band camp,last yr preparing students for A levels, last Civics Class,last band concert etc.

I made me wish time will move slowly, so that i can remember and cherish every moment. I only want to bring with me fond memories cos this is the place where spent 7 yrs of my life in, the place where i met wonderful students/pple, where i grow and learn.

Though everything is "last xxx", i'm glad i choose to leave in june cos at least i can be there to give out GCE A level certs to my Civcis Class in 2010,handing out my congratulations; to see my band on the stage of Esplanade Concert Hall (marvelling at how i have watched them grow from Sec School students to JC students, from JC students to Alumni.); to end my band journey with the 2009 batch.Only with these, i can leave with no regrets, knowing i have completed what i started out with.

I started my career with dreams and love. I hope to end it with my dreams fulfilled and love, completed.

The past one week, emotionally, had been draining. It was as if i was on a roller coaster ride.

initially,the news of e band in presentation night was something i was looking forward to. I know it was something the students, esp the JC2s were looking forward to. I believe they deserve to be on the stage, playing el cam, creating that performance. Happily i informed mr g. as usual, he was a wet blanket.but he said if they want to take part, let them.

on 26th may, when the news was announced, when i saw the happy faces, i felt elated. then,i was asked to withdraw them from pres night cos they dun deserve to be there. i sought advice, i believed the morale of the students would be badly affected if we withdrew. i believe we can at least try.

we had a msn conference. we pondered, measured the pros n cons n decided to take the risk. i know, deep in my heart, it was really a big risk.i'm not 100% sure we can pull it off but we have to try. i'm willing to face the consequences n take the blame but at least we tried.

went for the briefing.but the discussion of the withdrawal persisted.mr g came n gave his input. i was not there cos i needed to go n pay the deposit for band dinner. in e end, it was decided that it had to be a band's decision. we can't decide for them.

we had the meeting on fri. benji came n gave his input,so did P.we left it to the band to decide. maybe to some, it was not much of a decision.but at least, all sides were covered.it was a do or die.even till then,i had to convince myself, to play only el cam, we can do it. but an additional piece may have a toll on the band.i know how badly some of the jc2s wanted it,it was at that moment, i was not clear anymore.

i dun know if i am putting the future of the band at stake if i continue to insist that they go for pres night, or am doing it just to fulfill the dream of the jc2s?i dun know how to express that feeling. i was caught in between.

as i reflected on this incident,i realised n decided,i have lost my fight.against all odds, i told my leaders i would support their decision.even though mr g told P it was not possible for the band to be ready,when P asked me for my opinions, i told her it was possible. she was confused. even though mr s told me he would not be conducting the band when he had promised earlied on he would, i refused to believe i would lose this fight.i asked benji n later i found out that mr g asked benji not to conduct a band that is not ready.

i hated him, really.cos i feel that he is trying all ways n means to stop us from going on stage.that pissed me off. i refused to believe i would lose. i tried to tell P that we can do it n that the morale would be low if we withdraw.but he came n talked to her.she tried to convince me that we should not go.i was upset.

i told benji abt it.he was surprised how fast her stand changed.benji asked me to re-look at e prac dates n add on more prac cos it is not possible for us to perform given the little prac. i re-looked at everything again.i know they are giving the sensible advice, but i can't make them see how much the jc2s esp wanted to go for pres night.

after much deliberation,i know i must see this whole issue not emotionally but logically. they are right, certain conditions need to be present for things to happen, one of the most impt factor is the presence of time.

even though the issue had come to a close, i can't drive away the sense of apologies i have esp to the jc2s, n neither do i feel a sense of relief.

I wish you were here,right now. telling me what i should do or what i should choose.
you once told me not to give up what i love. But i realised you were about to give up what you love too, when you realised what you had been doing did not aid in your self-development.
if i do not give up what i love, my greatest fear is how long would this love last.
If passion can be lost and rekindled, what abt love?
if i choose to stay, would you also not give up what you love?
When you said you would be by my side,it only applies when u r not in any of your mood swings.BUt thanks for the times when u called to talk to me, or "forced" me to talk to you :)
Thanks for caring :)
But then again, would you not give up what u love?

Missing You!!!

Have not had this feeling for a long long time. The feeling of longing, of missing someone.
It may not be a good sign,cos nothing good may come out of it, but the feeling is so strong.
Although it's only 2 days, but it feels like eternality......