Random Thoughts

Came across this piece of paper which recorded my thoughts in July this yr.It was incomplete and i think i shall complete it now.

For the past few days,memories of the past kept haunting me. Frankly speaking, I could not remember what we talked abt during last yr's band camp but the scenes of the times we shared were still rather vivid. The day when you gave me the 2 ugly dolls, the night when we had our cushion fight, the day when you attempted to comfort me but did not really succeed, the nights when we shared our past and future.

I tried, really,to understand what you had gone thru based on the information given. Tried to understand your fears,your insecurities,your needs. At first, I thought i really did understand you but as time passes, I realised i don't. I failed to see that our communication last yr was based on a feeling of "allies", against a so-called common "enemy". This yr, when you leashed out your fears and insecurities, I could not really handle it. it is a far cry from what i know. But all that you exhibited are part of your character. It is just that i did not see them from the start. my life was tossed into chaos because i could not manage the fact that my life was centered round your emotions. And all that unstable mood swings affected me greatly. While i was hoping you would support me throughout the journey, I realised that in the first place, you had not wanted to be part of the journey. You did not hold strong to your faith,be steadfast and allowed your negative thoughts to affect others.

In the end, I had more than what i could handle. i had tried my best to make you feel more at home, giving in to your requests for as much as I could. At the end of the day, I was deemed "unprofessional".

Even till this day,after i had left the college,i realised i am still fighting on my own on the battlefield. I finally come to the conclusion that,no matter how hard i try,i could not change the impossible.It takes two to clap.Many pple said cos i am too strong in my character,that's y sometimes it would make others feel inferior or incompetent. My question is then, if i dun try and be strong,who would do the fighting?dun so conveniently push the blame to me and said cos my character is too strong. I was forced to be like that, not that i want it this way. Who would not want to be the person who is protected by others? Unfortunately, this is just not my destiny.