I was reading my diary yesterday. I was envious of the days I had yrs ago. I realized I missed my “brothers” a lot. They had always been by my side,whenever I needed a listening ear, company or support. But as the yrs passed by, we grew distant. Only yesterday, I realized how much I missed them.

I sms-ed my favourite brother and he called me. I did not tell him how much I miss him but his voice gave me the strength to look forward again. We love each other a lot and in e past, how matter how hectic our timetables in Uni were, we always had time for each other. He’s a proud person, but many a time, he would put aside his pride n give in to his sister-me J

There was once my student asked me, who do u turn to when u r angry, upset, when u need someone to listen to your woes? My answer was : my family. But I knew I only gave them good news n never bad ones cos it would bring undue worries. In conclusion, I have no one to share any of my emotions, cos I know everyone is so busy handling their own, waiting for others to listen to theirs, they really have no time for me. Yes, I listen to my own woes, I handle my own anger/sadness/fears.

Over the yrs, the question I heard pple asking the most is : Why me? This question pops up whenever we are given undesirable stuff or when we really have no time for other stuff. I like to ask this question too. Till one day, I came across this book and the author said: Dun ask questions when u know u can’t change it. Take it as an opportunity rather than a death sentence.

From then on, I stopped asking this question. For the past 6 yrs, I tried to teach my students not to ask this question cos life never or seldom gives us what we desire. Do a task well even if it is undesirable cos it is given to u, it is ur responsibility to accomplish it.

No one ever asked me what I want in life. Pple envy what I have in my career cos of the achievements of my CCA, the leadership position I’m given in the various committees. I am more than happy to give them what I have cos what I want is just to teach well, to have a normal/simple life. I’m not interested in leadership posts cos it has never been my ambition to be in one. I just hope to make a difference in my students’ life, to teach them how to be strong, disciplined.

I’m not a sage n I make mistakes. I’m more than willing to apologize and make amends. What really puzzles me is pple like to pass judgment and seldom seek verification. I experienced it this yr and I was really puzzled. I even questioned them y they never seek verification, the answer was no one dared to. I believe in the truth, and if it is within my means, I hope to get the truth. Despite what pple tell me, despite the judgment made, I wld take note of it but I would still want to know the truth from the horse’s mouth. If u want pple to open up to u, open up to them first. It’s never easy to get pple who are biased or prejudiced to open up, but I believe in sincerity. U can’t talk to a person with prejudice in ur tone. It’s not easy but it has to be done.

These are the things I have learnt over the yrs. I may not have mastered them but I’m trying. I feel the need to pen them down cos I want to know that over the yrs, I have not lost myself. I still believe in a simple and normal life which is somehow not within my reach. I was very touched when Joanna told me one day, ”As ur student, I just hope u would be happy. We have seen how stressed n unhappy u had been. Do something which would make you happy.” I really have no idea that I have not been a good actress in hiding my emotions. Many students, alumni, had expressed their support and encouragement over the yrs in whatever I do. N I appreciate that. Gabriel once told me, during the period of tension between the J2s and I, that he joined band to enjoy the process of music making. He did not want to comment on what had happened but he told me “Mam, I knew what u had done for this band and I really appreciate it.”
This recognition, these words, meant a lot to me and I would never forget them.

I know many students dun really understand me n it’s not really impt for them to understand. I only hope for their belief and trust, their faith, like the unconditional trust I have in them. I dun really understand my students as well, but the least I can do is to try n understand them n believe in their strengths.

It's great to be back!I missed my family lots!

Though i love being overseas once in a while to enjoy the freedom,i do miss them many many.

This trip had taught me things which i thought i had known all this while. Reminders i believe:

1)Comments are always made subjectively. Though we try to be objective,but somehow there are some elements of subjectivity in them. Like what my teacher said, nothing can be objective as long as it is made by human(So philo lah!)

2)Listen and love with an open mind, open heart. It's so difficult. Sometimes, i just feel that life is unfair and weird cos somehow my profession gives pple the illusion that we have to be prim n proper,to be correct in what we do. Failing to realise that we r human as well.We are entitled to our rights to have emotions.

I was reading some of the posts made by my dear students wrt the band trip. Some of them were happy,some were not. It sort of saddened me to know that not all enjoyed the trip. It may be naive to believe all would but after all the planning, at least i would hope most had.

there were of course happy moments during the trip, n unhappy ones. Towards the end, i chose to think of the happiness rather than e unhappy ones. It was also at that point in time that i suddenly realised,"Hmm, it's time." Time for me to say goodbye to this band(in general) which i had so loved. It holds great meaning and memories to me. For the past few years, i had always said i wanted to step down but was unable to do so cos i still love it a lot, and also cos i have not found anyone suitable to succeed me.

Now,the successor is still not available. But i realised,it is not possible to find one unless the person shares the same passion n love i have for this band.The willingness to put band before self. I want to say goodbye not cos of the batch cos i believe this batch has a long way to go, to achieve something great! But cos i can no longer trust my own judgement, my own ability to shoulder the responsibility of guiding the band/the council. The trip had made me realised this. It seems that i have lost the ability to make the correct decision. Or rather, i have lost my faith in myself, my belief.

My ex used to say that my level of determination n strength often surpass men. I have often refused to let people see the weaker side of me,my fear. I was brought up to believe in myself n learn to do things independently. But now, i have lost it.

I dun know if i can find them back during the hols. If i can't, i would have nothing left. If i can't, i really am in no position to guide e band. I dun want to destroy what i have fought to build up. The 5 yrs of fighting had worn me out but it had brought some improvements. I dun want 2 b the one to destroy it.