It's great to be back!I missed my family lots!
Though i love being overseas once in a while to enjoy the freedom,i do miss them many many.
This trip had taught me things which i thought i had known all this while. Reminders i believe:
1)Comments are always made subjectively. Though we try to be objective,but somehow there are some elements of subjectivity in them. Like what my teacher said, nothing can be objective as long as it is made by human(So philo lah!)
2)Listen and love with an open mind, open heart. It's so difficult. Sometimes, i just feel that life is unfair and weird cos somehow my profession gives pple the illusion that we have to be prim n proper,to be correct in what we do. Failing to realise that we r human as well.We are entitled to our rights to have emotions.
I was reading some of the posts made by my dear students wrt the band trip. Some of them were happy,some were not. It sort of saddened me to know that not all enjoyed the trip. It may be naive to believe all would but after all the planning, at least i would hope most had.
there were of course happy moments during the trip, n unhappy ones. Towards the end, i chose to think of the happiness rather than e unhappy ones. It was also at that point in time that i suddenly realised,"Hmm, it's time." Time for me to say goodbye to this band(in general) which i had so loved. It holds great meaning and memories to me. For the past few years, i had always said i wanted to step down but was unable to do so cos i still love it a lot, and also cos i have not found anyone suitable to succeed me.
Now,the successor is still not available. But i realised,it is not possible to find one unless the person shares the same passion n love i have for this band.The willingness to put band before self. I want to say goodbye not cos of the batch cos i believe this batch has a long way to go, to achieve something great! But cos i can no longer trust my own judgement, my own ability to shoulder the responsibility of guiding the band/the council. The trip had made me realised this. It seems that i have lost the ability to make the correct decision. Or rather, i have lost my faith in myself, my belief.
My ex used to say that my level of determination n strength often surpass men. I have often refused to let people see the weaker side of me,my fear. I was brought up to believe in myself n learn to do things independently. But now, i have lost it.
I dun know if i can find them back during the hols. If i can't, i would have nothing left. If i can't, i really am in no position to guide e band. I dun want to destroy what i have fought to build up. The 5 yrs of fighting had worn me out but it had brought some improvements. I dun want 2 b the one to destroy it.
1 comment:
And I really hope you can perserve on because you too knows that your action determines the future of those under your hands. A passion doesn't equals you will do well in it but it's the passion that keeps you moving. not good in words... rephrase! ok how about.... everyone wants to do well in their passion but it's not definite that they will do well in them and instead of focusing on the fact that you can't do well, put your attention on the LOVE you have for band and continue walk in the way you set that time!
Keep searching! because losing it meanwhile is always better than losing it forever.
Haha, well, not good in supporting my points.haha. take care Miss Ho! because...
likewise, I have been making "wrong" decisions for drills (my HOT passion) and I can't find anyone else to be my gen ban and let me feel secure enough to leave my company. and I lose it all today when I cried all out thinking my company is falling backward because of me.
but I think if we are still the ZHANG GUAN? haha, as in the one with control and authority, we have to hold the position with pride.
ya and I think mistakes, no, not mistakes but expectations not met are not there for us to doubt our ability but for us to reflect upon and and learn from it and become sharper!
come to think of it I lose heart because I thought I alone in my fighting but haha PS digress
oh ya and who you are is make up by who you think you are.
aiya.. all I want to say, just remember whatever you do, you always have a pool of supporters and I think that is encouraging. haha.
TAKE CARE! =)
and I really can't plan any class outing, too stressed up. apologise about tt. haha.
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