I was glad that u came into my life but i realised that this is not going to lead us to anywhere. or rather it is not going to lead me to anywhere. I dun really like self-deception,besides feeling can't really be hidden. Even without talking abt it, we know it is there. One gesture, unspoken words, are filled with what we feel.

BUT it has to be put to a stop, like it or not. I dun think i can carry on like this cos it is unfair to u. Just leave things as they r, n let us go back to the past, where things are not so complicated. Pls. It's not abt e feelings but it is abt what is right n what is not.

The whole of this week n last week passed in the midst of all meetings. Meeting students, meeting teachers, thinking of ideas n solutions on how to help CCAs move on/improve their standard n membership. All these took up so much of my time that i DUN have time for my own CCA. I'm apologetic n i'm pissed.

N while i was having all the meetings, not touching band stuff as frequent as i did compared to last yr, i realised i miss what i'm doing for my band, for my DSA.N i'm glad i felt this way, cos it showed that e love is still there.

A lot of things went thru my mind for the past week. New responsibilities come new insights and lots to learn. I dun dislike what i have to do but i just dislike the way pple perceive the new portfolio.

I learnt many new things from my students, I even begin to see some of them in a new light. It's a good thing and I'm happy.

My dear VP Admin of 2008 batch chat with me the other day. He saw i was more +ve as compared to last yr. Mayb many who knew last year's batch would question y is this the case, as in with such a close to perfection band, y would i feel -ve?Seriously i dun know. But as i probe further, i realised it was cos u really need to be involved in something to c it clearly. What pple see is only the surface. Not to say there were many problems but problems had existed then.

I have been thinking real hard, after talking to some students, how/ what can i do to help e band? I was serious in what i said yesterday, i believe living a life with no regrets n while others may perceive that all i care abt is just e award, i know my conscience is clear. The thing i hate most, ever since i took up this profession is to c e students upset. Cos it hurts, really. It hurts me when i see my students cry. My 2008 VPA can attest to that.

Actually all i'm worried abt is, i dun want anyone to have any regrets. N e other concern is, while there are others who care, i really dun wish them to be tied down by those who dun. I dun wish to see their passion dies, see their hopes dashed, see them losing the optimism that things will be better. All these r my fears. Actually it is really not abt sustaining e legacy but just doing ur very best. As long as i know that everyone has tried, I'm happy. Dun give up without even trying, without putting up a fight.

U have revived my love n passion. If u think my intention yesterday was to put u down, then i'm sorry u had interpret it wrongly. But it's cos i'm really out of ideas on how to spur u on, how to encourage n motivate u, how to let u c where i'm coming from. It's so tiring. But i wun give up on u. Not now n not in the future. The fighting spirit has been awakened n it will be sustained.

I'm just so sick of the stupid nonsensical talk abt the fengshui of e room n all, yet i have to put up
with it, esp today. All e crap. Now got to have a camp next weekend......It's just pointless. If things can just change with a camp, it would have been suggested long time ago. Sometimes i really wish that pple would open their eyes n c what is really wrong, then to be so sure of themselves in their belief that they DO know what is wrong. Disgusting.